A New Year

A new year began. The holidays were bittersweet. As Christmas passed, Elan thought of all the future holidays that she wanted to share with her own children. As today began a new year, Elan was less sad about the miscarriage. She still felt lost and wondered what the future held, but she did not feel the same despair. She thought hopeful about the future for the first time in awhile. Although bouts of sadness, regret, and anger would still come and go, it did not seem to consume Elan’s daily existence. Elan bought several books about adoption. The first one was Chicken Soup for the Adopted Soul and Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew. Elan was a researcher. Before she began her first 5K, half-marathon, and marathon training programs, she read all about running and training. She did the same thing before completing her first triathlon. Even though reading and researching did not replace the training and hard work that went into accomplishing those races, it made Elan feel more prepared. Buying and reading books about adoption, helps Elan learn about what she may want for the future and feel more prepared. Elan felt scared when pregnant about having a child. Some say it is normal, but she was excited but scared about the future. She always understood the weight of bringing a child in the world and being responsible for their wellbeing. Elan felt this responsibility more than others because of her childhood. Although Elan was happy that she was born and happy to exist, she often felt that he parents should not have had children. As Elan became an adult and looked upon the past of her childhood, it was clear her mother had issues that she never dealt with before having children. Her mother’s attraction to alcoholics and dangerous men stemmed from something she had not resolved in her own life. Elan was always terrified she would adversely affect a child and maybe that is why Elan waited so long to commit to having children. Now, Elan no longer had the choice of having children. That choice was gone. The only choice remaining was whether she wanted to raise children and that answer was an astounding, “Yes!” This year, Elan would begin the journey of adoption. Elan would take her time, work on her own health and recovery, read about adoption, and then find out how to proceed along this new journey. In the commitment Elan made to herself to start on this path, she felt hope. Elan had no idea whether her children would be male or female or what race they would be. Elan felt that whatever child God decided to grace Elan with would be hers, and Elan could still build the family she had always dreamed of. Like her friend Beth has said, this family would just look different than Elan had imagined. Elan knew in her heart that future holidays could still be filled with the laughter and happiness of her children.