The Holidays
The holidays were approaching, and Elan was just not in the mood. There were constant reminders of the pregnancy and loss. It seemed Facebook mocked her with ads of maternity clothes. Pinterest sent reminders of the sea turtle and manatee themed nursery she had been planning. The worst reminder was the first period after the miscarriage. It seemed to last forever and was very painful. Elan felt like every time she took a step forward something mocked or reminded her of the loss. She tried to take comfort in the IVF treatment finally being over. The treatment had drained her of everything. But Elan did not know what her life would look like now. She felt lost.
Elan had been excited to celebrate her last childless Christmas with her husband James. The following year, she was supposed to celebrate her baby’s first Christmas. She had planned on purchasing the Lennox specialty rocking horse ornament with the words “Baby’s First Christmas” engraved. This Christmas was no longer celebrating the monumental change of a future baby but instead would be the same as all future Christmases. Elan usually spent every weekend leading up to Christmas baking chocolate crinkle and gingerbread cookies. She took care in packaging the cookies individually in holiday themed bags and decorative tins. She would then take several trips in the weeks leading up to the holiday to the local UPS store to mail the cookies to friends and family members. This year, she had no interest in baking. All she could think about was that there would be no children in her life to teach these recipes too. When she thought about her life, she could not imagine living to eighty years-old and not ever raising children. Elan struggled with managing this sadness and fear.
The week of the loss, she watched the movie Instant Family starring Rose Byrne and Mark Wahlberg about a couple in their early forties that adopt three children from foster care. The first time she watched the movie after her loss, Elan cried during the whole movie because she was grieving. She tried watching the movie several weeks later as Christmas approached. Although she did not cry throughout the whole movie, she felt sadness. She felt there was a part of life that she would never experience but desperately wanted to. Elan struggled with knowing the life she wanted to lead but being unable to attain it. She could not make her body produce healthy eggs that would fertilize and properly embed and grow in her uterus. This was outside her control, and Elan never felt more powerless. The odd thing about this loss is it somehow made her revisit the trauma of her childhood. Although she was not in physical danger, this experience reminded her that she could not control her own destiny. As much as she prepared for, tried to be a good person, and do the right thing, she could not prevent the miscarriage. This powerlessness reminded her of her childhood. It did not matter how much she stayed out of the way or excelled in school, she could not change her mother or her mother’s boyfriend. As a child, Elan could not control or protect her mother or herself from abuse. Some how this miscarriage reminded her that although she tried to eat right, exercise, changed her life to prepare for motherhood, and spent thousands upon thousands of dollars to obtain the dream of motherhood, she could not will it into existence. Elan’s body, God, or fate did not want Elan to have children. It made her think about why she could not have children. Was there something wrong with her? Maybe she would be a terrible mother? Elan thought she had come so far from her past and gained so much stability in her life that this could not be true. When the insecurity and anxiety of a childless future crept into her mind, Elan ran. Running provided a release from the fear and required her to focus on the present. After her runs, Elan tried to pull herself together and concentrate on what gifts to buy for family for the holidays.